We parents cannot bless our children with words too often.

In a world full of cynical criticism, we parents cannot bless our children with words too often.  

Strong relationships are buttressed by deep communication, and the relationship between parents and their children is no exception. But it can be challenging to maintain and adjust communication with our kids as they grow through successive stages of life. We want to give them the necessary emotional space to develop new capacities, interests and preferences, so we back away a bit. Yet we long to remain connected to them and to be included in the rich changes going on inside them. Most parents I know treasure any and every opportunity for regular and meaningful interaction with their children.

Only after my daughters had gotten a bit older did I discover one way of communicating with them that has proven to be helpful, and it’s very simple. For each child you’ll need a separate blank book or notebook to serve as a shared journal. Parents will have to decide whether they want two journals (one for each parent) or only one that is shared among both parents and a child. When a child is able to write a short message on his own, the time is right to begin. I began by writing short messages of encouragement and affirmation in the book and then leaving it in some conspicuous place for the intended daughter to find. I explained that we would use the book to create a “father-daughter diary” for sharing important things between us.

I began doing this with my youngest daughter when she was in high school, and when her senior year began, I purchased and started a new diary by asking a few other adults who had become important to her to write words of blessing and challenge for her. I gave her the new journal during the high school retreat near the beginning of her senior year. As she moved through the challenges of college applications and significant milestones that year, the messages from me and the others proved to be a fruitful investment.

As my oldest daughter battled cancer we used our journal to share our thoughts and feelings back and forth. Many were the times I wanted to encourage and bless her with words, but they came more readily with pen in hand than when I tried to speak them to her. Having them written also allowed her to choose times to read and reflect on what I had expressed. Only recently, though she no longer lives in our empty nest, I walked into my office at home to find our journal lying on my desk with a new message from my adult daughter for her dad. I’ve never been more delighted.

In a world full of cynical criticism, we parents cannot bless our children with words too often. For instance, you can use the journal to remind your child of the meaning of her name and why her parents chose it for her. Significant moments in family history and the heritage of the family name can be passed on. And children can be connected to their grandparents by reminders of admirable traits they share with them. You can also use the diary to reflect on your memories of special moments you shared with your child—their first ballgame, her baptism or his first roller coaster ride.

Anything that keeps open lines of communication between us and our children must be considered an asset, and this one allows each person to choose the best time to express even deeply felt hurts or frustrations. Sometimes these emotions scramble verbal communication in a conversation. In fact, at our house we don’t talk about the things we’re writing to each other—it’s a separate track of communication for us.

When you write in the journal you hope to receive a message in return, to find the book lying somewhere for you to find, but don’t be alarmed if it’s not right away. If your child is a teenager, it’s always possible the book is now lying under a pile of something. If nothing happens for a few weeks, you might leave a post-it note asking, “Did you see the journal?” But don’t harass them as if they have an overdue assignment. You may even have to find the journal and write two or three messages between your child’s responses. And depending on his confidence expressing himself in words, the responses may not be as long or as involved as your messages. But you are making your heart available to your child each time you write, and that is the key.

Think of all the messages you’ve written in cards for special occasions in each of your children’s lives, how carefully you chose your words to mark the moment. And imagine what it would be like for you and your children to have an ongoing record of that kind of heart-level communication between you across years. That’s what could happen with a shared journal between you and your kids.

Parents who enjoy consistent and intimate communication with their children are almost always those who approach it very intentionally. And these days, the sheer novelty of offering and receiving hand-written notes makes this method special. However you do it, keep offering your heart to your children in written and spoken words that build them up and give them direction in life.